Behind the Vows with The Vow Whisperer
Tanya Pushkine was born and raised in Brussels, Belgium, the daughter of an American-born musical conductor and German-Belgian painter. Upon moving to the United States, the young woman now known as The Vow Whisperer studied drama at The Juilliard School and, after graduating, was cast as Mozart’s wife in Amadeus on Broadway.
For 10 years Tanya worked as a successful stage, television and film actor in the US and Europe; she also gave birth to two children. Then, she joined the business world, taking on leading culture, public relations and corporate philanthropy roles at LVMH, Sephora, L’Oréal, Barnes & Noble and Nestle Skin Health, working with the likes of Beyonce, Lady Gaga and John Legend.
Meanwhile, she says, “I never let go of my acting chops and kept actively using the skills to coach leaders on public speaking and presentations,” while “helping friends and family with their vows.”
Today, Tanya calls herself The Vow Whisperer, and engaged couples all over the world hire her for their weddings — to “orchestrate the spoken word from beginning to end.”
So what prompted Tanya to uproot and change careers again? Why weddings? Why vows? And what makes her services so coveted?
Like the catering at the reception, there’s nothing more memorable about a wedding ceremony than the written vows. We interviewed Tanya to learn more.
8 Questions with The Vow Whisperer
1. Hi, Tanya. Thanks so much for joining us for our first Vendor Spotlight. You mention on your website that it was your own wedding that inspired you “to become a professional wedding ‘vow whisperer.’” How would you describe your wedding day, and what it was like hearing your husband’s vows for the first time?
My first wedding was a 40-person dinner party in a friend’s loft, many years ago. When it came time to plan my second wedding last year, I knew for sure I wanted something not only different but far closer to my original dream. I wanted to walk down an aisle.
We looked at many venues in New York and decided on a winery in Brooklyn — a cross between Boho-chic and rustic farmhouse, with sophisticated elegance.
The second time around is different; the rules go out the window: I wore an off-the-shoulder metallic Marchesa ballgown, my daughter officiated, and my son walked me down the aisle…
When I work with a couple — individually, of course, as vows should be top secret until the moment of — I always make sure there’s balance to the timing, vibe and tone of voice. But with our own wedding, I had no control over the vows, so it was a free for all! I wrote my own, not having a clue what he was going to do.
My husband’s life is a spreadsheet so, naturally, he wrote his vows in Excel; he put the spreadsheet on index cards. He went first, and from the start I knew this was not going to be your typical ceremony. He managed to include the guests, and it became totally interactive. The guests were so there with him. It was the most magical, out-of-the-ordinary ceremony ever. We all laughed and cried throughout.
2. Incredible! How has your previous professional experience influenced the way you think about and help people prepare wedding vows?
I am now essentially imparting the acting skills I was taught at Juilliard. It’s full circle for me. I always say that ceremonies are performances, so what I do is coach each person to have the most incredible performance of their lifetime.
The work covers everything from enunciation to voice projection to body language — everything an actor has to think about. It’s also about making eye contact, avoiding fidgeting maintaining presence… Immense presence.
3. So how does your process work?
First, we meet once all together to establish the parameters, the length of the vows, and the general feel they want their vows to evoke. Then I make them promise to never discuss their vows with each other, and from then on I work with each separately.
Next, I present them with a questionnaire; their answers become the bible for the vows. It takes a lot of thought, time, reflection and soul searching to answer the questions, and I typically give them three to four weeks so they can take their time filling it out. Once I have their answers, I probe for more detail… and I probe some more. Remember, this is all about telling the story of you — as a couple, and as individuals.
Then, we work on the writing. The vows come from the individual’s heart, and I hold their hand from start to finish to ensure the process is collaborative, fun and stress free. With their words, I create a structure — a beginning, a middle, and an end. I edit, re-write, manipulate and massage until the words are just right and everyone is happy.
Finally, we tackle the delivery. I provide practice tips, and we rehearse until they feel completely ready, confident, and at their best.
4. Speaking of tips, what are your top three for brides and grooms writing their own vows?
Don’t wait until the last minute. Do a massive brain dump of memories, stories, experiences and feelings of your life together to help you get started. Don’t go past four to five minutes in length.
5. That’s all great advice, thanks! What is the most unique vow you’ve ever heard?
One of the questions I ask is, “What was the defining moment when you knew they were the one?” One couple not only chose the same exact moment, they used the same words to describe it. It was as if they had written their vows together!
6. Wow, that sounds like a happy marriage in the making… You probably get pretty close to your clients over the course of the process. Are you often invited to the weddings, and among those you have attended what has stood out most?
Due to the very in-depth work we do together, the couples and I become super close; the ideal situation is when I officiate, too, and they’re getting married by a confidante and friend for life.
Before the pandemic, I attended many weddings. During that quiet moment before the show begins, when they’re completely dressed, I practice with each in their own rooms. Sometimes, I help them breathe through their nerves. It’s that last practice session that gives them the perfect boost of confidence they need.
Since the outbreak of COVID-19, we’ve done this on FaceTime, which also works really well…
And the vow process was often virtual way before the pandemic began, because I work with couples globally.
7. Why is writing your own vows so important?
To do the standard vows is almost boring, really, and I think couples are choosing to write their vows more than ever.
Why not show your personality? Why not express your most inner feelings for your future spouse? Why just repeat what has been done before? Make it uniquely you. Tell your story. Expose your heart. Bare your soul. It’s your moment to shine.
I have also found that pandemic weddings are much more about the ceremony and less about the flowers, the venue, the food, the music… The ceremony has become the focal point, so writing your own vows has taken precedence, which I love.
8. We can understand why. What’s the best compliment you’ve received about your service? And why?
I am blessed to receive the same compliment every single time: the exercise of delving into their relationship is a revelation.
It’s eye-opening to have to dig within your heart and soul to really understand why you are marrying this person, to write promises not only for your wedding day but for your whole life with this person.
What we do together can be life-changing, as so many have told me.